Harry Potter and the Ultimatam Mortem Curse
by gray frog
Summary: This is NOT a Harry/Hermione love fic! Harry's...changed...and Ron and Hermione are more than a little annoyed. Random stuff happens, but if a plot comes if you review! PG-13 rating is for mild language, etc. P.S. Everyone is o.o.c. so BEWARE!
1. Noticing a Difference...and a reason why...

Disclaimer: I own nothing 'cept the plot and maybe a few characters later on. If you're reading this, you probably already know that all HP-related "stuff" belongs to JK Rowling!  
  
Author's Note: I will try not to beg you to review, but I would appreciate some input! Especially suggestions…flames are ok, but I would prefer not to have them! Also, if you like Harry, please don't be insulted by this fic…it's just a story (that no one'll probably read anyway…*tear*)  
  
^-^___________________________________^-^  
  
Harry Potter and the Ultimatam Mortem Curse  
  
by gray frog  
  
~Chapter One~  
  
"Harry!" Petunia Dursely stood at the bottom of the stairs, shrieking up at a certain black-haired kid we all know and love by now. (A/N: or not! Mwahaha!) "Harry, get down here right now and mow the lawn! Dudley has already done more that he needs to!" Harry groaned and got out of bed. Glancing out the hall window, he saw a small, one-foot square patch of grass had been shorn. The rest was still a wild, tangled jungle. Much like his hair.  
  
"Of course, Aunt Petunia." His voice was flat, emotionless, his appearance betrayed nothing of what was to come. Naturally, Petunia didn't notice anything. She was still ranting on about Dudley. Harry grimaced. Why did Petunia love that huge, hideous gollop of blubber more that him, sexy king of magicians? With girls falling at his feet! And a cool scar on his head…well, actually, in the muggle world he pretended it was a tattoo. But the girls still fell at his feet. He snickered. Aunt Petunia still didn't notice. Furious at this lack of attention, the not-so- handsome boy turned red and resembled a beet gone wrong. Then the blood drained from his face, returning it to its normal state of ghostly white. He began to sing. Quite badly.  
  
"Laa laa LAAA! I'm going back to Hogwarts today! YAY!" Petunia winced. This was one of the many reasons why she could not stand her nephew. Even Dudley was an angel in comparison.  
  
"Mow the lawn first!" Petunia snapped. She had suddenly realized that this meant she would need to cut her soap-opera-watching session short to take Harry to the train station. He always ruined everything. She would have found out who the father of Kristi's baby was, too…  
  
^-^_____^-^  
  
Harry was sitting in his usual compartment, waiting for his friends. Whenever a girl passed by, he winked and smiled flirtatiously. They all swooned and had to be escorted out of the compartment.  
  
Eventually, Ron and Hermione approached. When Harry winked and smiled flirtatiously at her, she knew he had changed over the summer, ever since he had participated in the Triwizard Tournament the previous year. He had become conceited.  
  
"Harry, stop. You know I have a boyfriend." Harry just grinned and winked again.  
  
"Don't worry, I'm sure ickle Krummie-kins won't mind if you flirt with someone as devastatingly sexy as I am!" Hermione sat down in the seat across the aisle, thoroughly disgusted. Ron stared at Harry in disbelief, an expression similar to Hermione's plastered on his face. He sat down next to her.  
  
"What's his problem?" Ron leaned over to Hermione and spoke in a hushed voice. Hermione's eyes glinted when she spoke.  
  
"I don't know, but mark my words…that little…words can't describe him! Well, whatever that stupid idiot is, he's going to learn a lesson!"  
  
"Who's gonna play a prank on Harry?" Ron's eyes were full of excitement, but he never expected Hermione's answer.  
  
"Why, the best teacher of all, of course. Me." 


	2. The Planning Begins...and Draco's secret...

Author's Note: sailor geraldine – yeah, he is! Thanks for reviewing, everyone! (*cough* one person *cough*)  
  
Disclaimer: nothing is mine, except for the stuff you don't recognize…  
  
^-^___________________________________^-^  
  
Harry Potter and the Ultimatam Mortem Curse  
  
by gray frog  
  
~Chapter Two~  
  
After a tortuous carriage ride with Harry, the group finally made it to the Great Hall. As soon as Harry sat down, swarms of girls surrounded Harry, giggling madly. Ron and Hermione glanced at him is disgust before moving to the other end of the table. Harry didn't notice, or at least didn't care, and began to flirt with random people he had never seen before. Dumbledore looked on approvingly while McGonnagle sighed. Albus always had been biased towards Harry, the old geezer. She couldn't help but wonder why the Ministry of Magic didn't just fire him and promote her. She could just see it, Professor Minerva McGonnagle, Headmistress of Hogwarts. Maybe then her true love would notice her…she was startled out of her reverie by the sound of Dumbledore's voice.  
  
"…begin!" The Hall was filled with the sounds of chewing and bad manners. Minerva looked on with disgust, regarding the students with much the same expression as Hermione's when she looked at Harry. "Good God, we should make these…pigs…take etiquette class!" She glanced around the room again, and could only spot two people with good manners. "Only Granger and Malfoy should be exempt from it!" Snape nodded in agreement.  
  
^-^_____^-^  
  
Draco looked up at the teacher's table and saw Professor McGonnagle looking at him approvingly. His heart sped up. Could it be that she felt the same way about him as he did about her? As he felt a blush rising to his cheeks, he shook his head. No, that would be too much to hope for. He would have to watch his beloved Minerva from the sidelines, his heart aching for and approving nod…if only he could get that Potter out of the way. Once he did that, the Professor would just have to adore his mad Quidditch skills, and probably his skateboarding ones, too. (He had taken quite a fancy to the Muggle pastime since he had originally started, intending to get on McGonnagle's good side. She hadn't noticed.) Well, he would just have to bide his time…  
  
^-^_____^-^  
  
In the Gryffindor common room, Ron and Hermione sat by the fire, trying to come up with ways to utterly humiliate Harry. Trying being the key word there. All of Hermione's plans were too elaborate for Ron's tastes and Hermione thought Ron's ideas were ridiculous.  
  
"No, we are not putting a garden snake down his robes, Ron!" Hermione hissed. "Harry can talk to snakes, remember?" Ron scowled.  
  
"Right. I'd forgotten." Hermione groaned.  
  
"We're getting nowhere, dammit! C'mon, they have some good books on this stuff in the library."  
  
"Hey!" Ron's face brightened. "Why don't we just get Fred and George to help us! You know how good they are at this." Hermione shook her head sadly.  
  
"No, they'd just do the whole prank themselves and Harry wouldn't care." Hermione smiled evilly. "There's nothing more humiliating than having your two best friends turn on you." Ron laughed.  
  
"You're right. Come on, we don't want to keep Harry waiting!" The two left the common room, cackling.  
  
^-^_____^-^  
  
Draco stood outside the Transfiguration classroom, hoping for a glimpse of his dear Minerva. When he heard footsteps behind him, he turned and saw Ron and Hermione giggling…no, cackling…about something or other. Embarassed about being near McGonnagle's classroom, afraid of their possible discovery of his secret, he sneered.  
  
"Well, well. If it isn't Granger and Weasley. Giggling about dear Harry, I suppose?" Hermione and Ron looked at each other, then nodded.  
  
"Malfoy…Draco…Draco, we have a…erm…proposition for you that we think you'll like." Draco arched an eyebrow and Hermione continued.  
  
"You see, we'd like to teach Harry a lesson…you know, punish him." Draco looked interested.  
  
"I see…" Hermione grinned evilly at Draco and her eyes glinted.  
  
"I thought you'd feel this way. We're just going to the library now, and we'd appreciate your input…" As the trio walked away, McGonnagle stepped away from the door.  
  
"Well, well," she murmured to herself. "Potter-boy will finally step down. I must remember to give Gryffindor and Slytherin extra points next time I see one of them…" She turned and sighed as she put her "ugly old lady" appearance back on. There was no real use in looking like her real twenty year old self…at least, not yet, anyway… (A/N: hee hee…weren't expecting that, were you? And by the way…McGonnagle is like a super- genius! That's why she's a professor at such a young age.)  
  
^-^_____^-^  
  
Meanwhile, Harry was still flirting with some Gryffindor or other…what was her name? Ginny? Well, it didn't matter anyway…he was going to move on to that sexy Prefect soon.  
  
He had no idea of what was in store for him… 


	3. The Suspense Builds...and Neville has a ...

Author's Note: Thank you to everyone who reviewed! I have a grand total of THREE (yes, THREE) reviews now! (In case you couldn't tell, this is my first fanfic…eh…so sue me!)  
  
Diamond Angel – actually, I like Harry and Dumbledore perfectly well, I just got a little sick of them always being perfect. Also, I kinda wanted someone…unexpected…for Draco.  
  
Shits and Giggles – I don't hate Harry, I just think he seems a little too perfect. So I decided to make him (and most of the other characters, for that matter) a little…different.  
  
Please, everyone, review! I would like to know if there are more people reading this than I can count on one hand. (I know, it's annoying, I promise I'll stop soon)  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing except for the plot. That's mine, all mine! (whatever it may be.)  
  
^-^___________________________________^-^  
  
Harry Potter and the Ultimatam Mortem Curse  
  
by gray frog  
  
~Chapter Three~  
  
Inside the library, Ron, Hermione and Draco were plotting Harry's downfall. Hermione studied, Ron ranted on and on about how he couldn't believe he'd thought Harry was nice, while Draco smirked, leaning back in his chair and thinking about McGonnagle. Her stern expression, her fair decisions, the way her hat cocked quirkily on top of her head, the way she said Draco…Draco…  
  
"Draco!" He jumped and nearly fell out of his chair. Hermione was waving a hand in front of his face and looking at him with a puzzled expression.  
  
"What were you doing? You had this lovesick expression on your face. You looked like goose knocked silly!" Draco blushed furiously at Hermione's comment. Geese were his favorite animals of all, so wise and caring. He loved the way they pecked at his feet…suddenly, he realized Hermione was still speaking. "…so just focus!" He nodded.  
  
"Erm…yeah…okay…" Hermione sighed and shook her head. Why couldn't she have teamed up with smart boys, not these…numbskulls, for lack of a more polite word.  
  
"Whatever. Just get to work, Snake-Boy."  
  
^-^_____^-^  
  
Neville peered around the corner, checking to make sure no one was around. After a cursory inspection of the corridor, he strolled confidently up to a blank wall and pressed his left thumb onto a stone. A light flashed, and Neville walked into the doorway that had suddenly appeared. Once he had stepped into the lavishly furnished room, the wall became solid again. The only sign of life was the toad that patrolled the hall, a lookout for his loving master.  
  
^-^_____^-^  
  
Ron looked at Hermione, bent over a book of curses. She certainly loved to take charge. Just like he did, only she showed it more. Well, no matter. She was smart and she was angry. She was just what he needed for his plan to rid the world of Voldemort and take over for himself. Then maybe, just maybe, his family and his friends would respect him. Maybe Hermione would even love him…Ron shook his head in disbelief. Hermione? What was he thinking? Oh, that's right. In his biography, they would say that he and his friend, the one who had helped him seize power from the beginning, had fallen in love. God, that would make a good movie. Much better than Harry's "The Boy Who Lived" series.  
  
"Just you wait, Harry…you'll pay." The other two looked at Ron strangely before the trio began cackling loudly and stridently. Suddenly Hermione's eyes lit up.  
  
"I've got the perfect plan to get back at Harry! Now just listen…"  
  
Author's Note: Ooo…a cliffie! (Ah, such a fun word!) I actually kinda know what they're gonna do, but I could STILL use suggestions. So, go at it people! I want to satisfy all five-odd readers out there! Yeah! 


	4. The Prank is Decided...and Albie's past

Author's Note: Well, no one else has reviewed, but that's not the reason why I haven't updated. It's because of a) writer's block (I kind of lied…I really don't know what the prank will be () and b) stupid, evil SCHOOLWORK! AAGH!  
  
Any way…  
  
Disclaimer: If you're to the fourth chapter already, you should know the drill.  
  
^-^___________________________________^-^  
  
Harry Potter and the Ultimatam Mortem Curse  
  
by gray frog  
  
~Chapter Four~  
  
Hermione groaned as Draco and Ron leaned in. What was her "perfect plan" with which to get back at Harry? And what in Merlin's name had possessed her to say she had one? Then it hit her. Possess Harry! (A/N eh…I know it's not brilliant, but what could I do? Work with me here, people!) Sure, it was kind of stupid, but it would work wonderfully. And Draco and Ron, being stupid gits, would think it genius.  
  
"…I think what we should do is possess Harry and control everything he says and does. He can be slapped, humiliated, and expelled all at once!" The two boys grinned.  
  
"Genius, Hermione! Genius!"  
  
"It'll work wonderfully!"  
  
Hermione almost snorted at their use of her phrases, but maintained her composure. She needed these boys to cover for her if they were caught. But with her brilliant planning, she doubted they would be.  
  
"Now, I know just the spell. It's called the "ultimatam mortem" curse (A/N: "ultimate death" in Latin) and it makes sure that the results of every action are the most humiliating possible." Draco nodded approvingly while Ron cackled harshly. Madame Pince glanced over, all set for a disapproving glare, when she saw Hermione with them, so she merely smiled sweetly. Such a sweet girl, she thought. So smart, too.  
  
^-^_____^-^  
  
Neville Longbottom lifted his wand and placed an invisibility and silencing spell around the room. Glancing around, he whispered, "fire wings" and the room spun around three times. After settling down, one could see the room was now filled with all sorts of fancy equipment…and a violin. Neville face glowed.  
  
"My Stradivarius," he whispered, then shook his head. He had work to do.  
  
^-^_____^-^  
  
Snape sat in his room and sighed. Why couldn't he get a better job? Why did Dumbledore hate him so, shun him at staff meetings, kick his shins in the hallway? It was like his student days all over again. The only bright spot of his day was watching the Slytherin Quidditch team practice, his only chance to chat with the love of his life. Madam Hooch.  
  
How long had the affair been going on? Snape counted the years. It had begun in his seventh year at Hogwarts and never ended. Of course, it was all in secret, but he had been planning to "pop the question" any day now. Two questions, actually. One was, "Will you marry me?" The other was, "Will you teach me how to play Quidditch?"  
  
^-^_____^-^  
  
Dumbledore looked out of the window at the swarm of girls surrounding Harry Potter and chuckled. "Ah, quite the ladies man…just like I was." All the girls had come up to him, smiling flirtatiously. He remembered one especially, although he couldn't quite recall her name…  
  
*FLASHBACK*  
  
"Hey, Albie," murmured a scantily clad girl with long black hair. "Love the new goatee. Such a hip addition to your sexy bod." Albus grinned.  
  
"Hey, baby, want to go into town for a butterbeer or twelve?" The girl grinned.  
  
"Love to, Albie…"  
  
*END FLASHBACK*  
  
Albus sighed. He missed his student days.  
  
"I'm going into Hogsmeade for a butterbeer. Hold all my calls." With that, he left the room. Fawkes looked after him curiously, squawked, and went to sleep.  
  
Author's Note: Lovely chappie, wasn't it? Ah, such a fun word. Chappie, chappie, chappie! Well, I don't really have anything to say, but I would appreciate reviews! 


	5. Learning More

Disclaimer: I own nothing…see previous chapters if you care.  
  
Author's Note: I know I haven't written for a while…writer's block, I suppose, as well as the evil term paper from hell. Evil thing. But I'm back now! Yay! My four reviewers are rejoicing! Thanks to greeneyes- blackleather for her terrific reviews! Yay! I'm really glad you like my story, and thanks for your suggestions. I had actually forgotten about Hagrid until you reviewed, so I'm putting him in now! Thank you, and sorry for not updating sooner my few followers/readers/(hopefully) reviewers!  
  
^-^___________________________________^-^  
  
Harry Potter and the Ultimatam Mortem Curse  
  
by gray frog  
  
~Chapter Five~  
  
Hagrid shook his head, mumbling to himself. "Stupid kids," he muttered, taking a swig of some unrecognizable liquid, most likely alcoholic. "Always messin' wit' my animals…never takin' care…" Madame Pomfrey, sitting across the table from the half-giant, nodded in agreement.  
  
"They ignore your warnings about safety precautions, then come crying to me when they get hurt, blaming it on you and your darling animals." She smiled sweetly up at Hagrid while pouring him a twelfth gallon-sized glass. "I swear, one of these days…" Hagrid smiled rather drunkenly.  
  
"I jes' had a…*hic*…idear…" he said, slurring his words. "We kin get them shtudentsh to reshptic…reshpic…reshpect the animalsh…we'll set 'em looshe in the Great *hic* hall ternight…" Madame Pomfrey's eyes widened.  
  
"Oh, Hagrid darling, I don't think that's a good idea…what would Dumbledore think?" Her eyes were worried as she gently placed a hand on his arm. Hagrid smiled crookedly, eyes misty.  
  
"It'sh jes' part of the lesshon plan, Lizzie…c'mon, let'sh find him…" While Hagrid stumbled to the door, Elizabeth Pomfrey drew out her wand.  
  
"Dormi," she whispered, and Hagrid slumped to ground, asleep. (A/N: I don't know the real spell, if there is one, so I made one up from Latin…sort of…) Lizzie lifted Hagrid with the levitation spell and brought him to the hospital wing, making a mental note to never give Hagrid more than two glasses of "Boggart Bob's Best Brandy" at a time.  
  
^-^_____^-^  
  
Minerva sat in her room, sighing. She hated her job, but she had been forced to go undercover ever since Neville Longbottom had come to Hogwarts. The two had altered everyone's memory, making them believe she had been at the school for ages. Dumbledore, despite popular misconception, had been a pushover. Snape, on the other hand, had been very difficult. It had taken their powers combined and the aid of their organization's head to alter his mind. Although, he was a very powerful and intelligent wizard…handsome, too.  
  
"Sexy Sevvie," Minerva giggled. Even though he was mean to all Gryffindors, so what if she had a small crush on him…or a really big one…  
  
Minerva X, a.k.a. Professor McGonnalgle, fell asleep that night dreaming of her marriage to "Sexy Sevvie."  
  
^-^_____^-^  
  
Neville turned on the screen of what looked like a computer monitor and tapped it with his wand. Immediately a window popped up on the screen, showing an image of a young red-haired man in an Armani suit.  
  
"Ah, Alex," the man said. "Please, remove your disguising charm." In an instant, Neville Longbottom was gone and a tall, handsome boy of about stood in his place. Gone were the flabby limbs, limp brown hair and dull brown eyes. Alex had dark brown hair, a muscular body and bright blue eyes. He sighed.  
  
"Bill, the mission is not going well. The suspect won't reveal any clues or suspicious evidence. We can't send her to Azkaban on a hunch."  
  
"Hmm…fail her class."  
  
"What?" Alex cried, eyes wild. "It's so easy! And you know how I hate to fail, espe-"  
  
"SILENCE!" Bill Weasley thundered. "Unless you fail, she won't give you extra help and you'll have fewer opportunities to slip up. We know it's her, we just need evidence to convict her with. As I recall, THREE of my brothers and my sister are currently at Hogwarts, and I certainly don't want them getting hurt. If you don't catch her, my FOUR siblings will be in danger, as well as the rest of the school, including a certain Hermione Granger…" Alex flushed red, but stood tall.  
  
"Hermione doesn't take Divination," he said clearly.  
  
"But she will still be in danger," Bill replied, smirking. "We don't want that, now, do we?" Alex sighed, defeated.  
  
"You win. I'll fail Trelawney's class."  
  
^-^_____^-^  
  
Ginny Weasley stood in the Common Room, watching as Harry flirted with every moving female in sight. Sure, it was funny flirty with him, he was so egotistical, but after a few minutes it was just plain disgusting. He had flirted with Madame Pince earlier that day. For God's sake! Madame Pince!  
  
"Harry, would you come here please?" Ginny called across the room, her voice sickeningly sweet. Harry gave his current flirt-ee a winning smile and came over.  
  
"Hey, baby," he said. Ginny batted her eyelashes.  
  
"Hey, Harry. I'm writing an article about you…" At this, Harry smiled and preened himself. "…and I was wondering, out of the four DADA teachers we've had so far, who was your favorite?"  
  
"Remus Lupin, of course. After all, he knew my parents, and he helped me become the man I am today." Harry sat back on the couch, allowing some girl – he wasn't sure who – to give him a backrub.  
  
"Who was your least favorite?"  
  
"Ah, most definitely Lockhart. Such an arrogant prig, didn't even have anything to be proud of!" Ginny nodded sympathetically, wearing a phony smile the entire time.  
  
"Of course, Harry. Being an arrogant, stuck-up asshole is quite a, shall we say, turn-off?" Harry nodded.  
  
"The exact opposite of me, eh?" Ginny shook her head.  
  
"Oh, no, Harry. Exactly like you." With that, she scampered up to her dorm before Harry could react.  
  
Author's note: Well, what do you think? Any review is welcome, especially suggestions. Thanks for reading! 


	6. Sevvie Goes to the WA!

Disclaimer: If you're on chapter six, and you're reading this story in the first place, you should know the drill by now.  
  
Author's Note: Yay! Two more reviews! OK, I know it's not a lot, but it still feels good to have encouragement. Thanx to Jelsemium and especially greeneyes-blackleather. I really appreciate your encouragement and I'm glad you like my story. I will try to start another story, especially since school is out now.  
  
Enough with the rambling, on with the story!  
  
^-^___________________________________^-^  
  
Harry Potter and the Ultimatam Mortem Curse  
  
by gray frog  
  
~Chapter Six~  
  
"Honey? It's time to go to the WA meeting. Hurry!" The quidditch instructor leaned into the bathroom and watched Snape mess with his hair, a tub of black grease next to him. (A/N: greasy hair…) "Just put a spell on it for now, dear, you don't want to be late for your first meeting!" Snape grumbled a little more before lifting his wand and muttering a spell. Then he left Hogwarts and headed down to Hogsmeade.  
  
Ten minutes later, Severus stopped in front of a tall building with the blinds closed. Taking a deep breath, he opened the door, walked down the hall and entered a large room filled with redheads. One redhead, the leader of the group, finished a speech and the whole room clapped. The man grinned broadly. "Now, please welcome Severus!" The audience clapped again and Severus stood up, his face as red as Ron's.  
  
"Hello, everyone. My name is Severus and," Here he took a deep breath before continuing, "…and I'm a Weasley." The group applauded loudly and Severus grinned giddily. (A/N: Here I want to say that Weasley's Anonymous is only loosely based on Alcoholic's Anonymous, I really have no idea what goes on in the meetings and that I do not intend to make fun of that organization. That should satisfy all you politically correct people.)  
  
After an hour of learning how to deal with his Weasley problem and discovering how to embrace his Weasley-ness, Severus returned to the castle, light-hearted and redheaded. Just outside the Hogwarts gate, he plopped some axle grease on his head, rubbed it in thoroughly and returned to his rooms and Madame Hooch…or rather, Snape/Weasley-to-be.  
  
^-^_____^-^  
  
Hermione tossed and turned in her bed, unable to sleep. She was so dissatisfied with her life, but she didn't know why. She was smart, not hideously ugly, she had family, friends, and a wonderful school. What was she missing? Angry at her inability to solve what was apparently a simple problem, she crept out of bed and entered the common room. There, in front of the flickering embers of the fire, lay just what she desired.  
  
  
  
Author's note: Yeah, I know that was short. I've kinda had writer's block (how can you have that on a story with no plot?) so I apologize. If you have any plot suggestions, especially for what Hermione's desire is, please let me know. Although I love encouragement, suggestions are great and flames are, well, whatever. I don't mean to beg for reviews, but I do appreciate any help I can get (God knows I need it!) Thanx!  
  
~gray frog 


End file.
